Today was cycle two of my latest regime. it went well but it takes a long time. Peanut joined me in the afternoon and we talked and chatted and plotted for our holiday in France next week. Her presence adds magic even to chemo day. We talked and she showed me some of her words written from my birthday in March 2014 up to this weekend just gone. I shed a tear reading them – a tear of love – and just as I have done every other day since we became one, I fell in love with her all over again. It makes me a lucky, lucky man.
I almost went for a walk on Wednesday. That’s not a headline I realise, but the reasons why I didn’t are quite involved.
I have taken the first steps on a path I hoped I never would. To put it bluntly, I have now to hold the hand of the one I love and watch him slide away from me. That’s how it feels on a bad day but fortunately bad days are fewer than they were at first.
Those that know have some idea of how distraught I was when we first found out that he was not going to be cured any more. That option was gone and it was just a question of time and management. There’s no timescale as it is totally dependent on how he responds. Might be 6 months, might be 2 years, maybe a bit more.
Well terrific…to be quite selfish, where does that leave me? But that is selfish and maybe it’s not about me, but about us. With a little time you can come to some acceptance of the situation and make the best of what you have, for as long as you can.
And if you think about it, that’s all any of us can do, ever. None of us know when it will all end, but most folk don’t normally dwell on it, and sadly we have it in our face constantly. So get over it, move on and have fun while you can.
Hmmm, easier said than done but we, or rather I, am getting there I think and crying a great deal less than I was, although writing this has set me off, as I knew it would.
Those of a religious persuasion can put it in the hands of their Maker and content themselves with the fact that it is part of a bigger plan that is beyond our understanding, at least that’s what they tell you, but it might be different waking in the middle of the night and thinking about it. I wouldn’t know as I am not blessed with such belief. As someone said to me if it’s part of His plan I would like to meet the ****** and tell him his plan stinks and let him explain to me exactly in what part of his business plan it is essential.
I have no wish to offend the religious, we all have our own ways of dealing with it.
Back to my walk, or lack of… Tears again.. It will have to wait. Tears are good and very necessary to me, even if upsetting to others, but if they are in my head they need to come out and for me that is the only way for any kind of acceptance to happen. Tears are some kind of emotional steam valve that have to be released now and again to keep things going smoothly in my head. But in a controlled fashion.
I wrote this in March and it is now July and we are plodding on in a seemingly ok fashion. Living life hard and fast is very tiring for us both but that’s how it has to be. Not a moment to waste and it focuses my thoughts on life and how it should be for me. So some things that I could put up with before are almost more than I can bear now. Why the ???? should I? If it doesn’t feel right then ditch it and spend my time feeling more in charge of my destiny and not pushed about by others. In fact no-one should but we all get lazy and tolerate much more than we should.
And now it’s the end of October and to be honest we are in territory that I thought might not exist this time last year. It is the most beautiful morning and I feel the need for a walk badly. Issues with his feet make walking a bit of an effort so we have neglected this part of our life and I think we have suffered as a result. I shall have to take him out and make him walk those wonderful hills. Now I am getting podgy for lack of exercise and this morning seemed a good day to start, not without some sadness.
So I am on my own walking the hills in the most gorgeous sunshine and crying – being up there on my own is not the place I want to be. But after a while I get overcome by the loveliness of it all. It is simply not a place to be sad. I have lived here for 30 years now and I still cannot get over how utterly inspiring it is, so I let the wind blow the cobwebs and crap out of my head and enjoy the moment. All we have is now, now is ok.
A small tortoiseshell butterfly dancing in the wind makes me smile – what’s he doing fluttering about at the end of October on top of the hills? Living for today I guess – obviously has no idea his season is over, what does he care? Good luck to him. He could sit in a hole waiting for the frost and worrying, but no, he comes out to dance and make me smile. What a great little chap he is.
And now it’s April and the bluebells are out…again. We must make an effort although our holiday in France next week might coincide with the best of them. I go for walks regularly now. He is a bit weary for a hike and we spend too much time watching TV and eating chocolate raisins and suchlike. So to put in bluntly, I am suffering from a lack of exercise and am trying to make an effort to walk every day I work a late.
Walks don’t fill me with despair anymore. His aching back makes me a bit sad as it’s obvious now it is something bad kicking off, but there is nothing to be done.
He bought himself a new toy today – an iPhone6 plus and he loves it. So I am now the proud owner of his old 5, the one that got washed with the bedding. In most respects it is fine, just a few odd marks on the camera screen but it still lives and breathes.
So we are off to France next week for 10 days and Amelia will be joining us. She will be coming to live with us for a while, soon after the holiday so that will perk us up and keep us the lively couple we are known to be.