Monday 07/02/2011. After a good weekend it was back to work on the day that apparently most people skive off work in the whole year. I was listening to this on the radio, most of the way to work and it did not make going to work any easier I can tell you.
The chemo must get to me the most just after the first weekend. Chemo Thursday, disconnection from last bit Saturday lunch time and then real tiredness kicks in Mondayish. Today was no exception and yes I did a good day’s work but I just had to bail out at 4 in the afternoon as I was shattered.
Monday evening saw me dozing after dinner with a quick rally round to watch Outcasts on TV at nine. Sadly, there was nothing uplifting about the drama whatsoever so we wont be pursuing that one!
That then was Monday.
Tuesday 08/02/2011. I woke to go to work, but felt shattered. No energy, no strength and real jelly legs that felt like they would give way on me. I e-mailed my apologies to work and resolved to spend a good half of the day sleeping and that indeed is what I have done.
With the other half my mind pondered on this being the 200th day of My Life Blog. That is 200 days of living with the knowledge that there are mean dark shadows in my liver, lurking and up to no good. Well we have been hitting them hard for the last ten weeks with some tough Chemotherapy, another two weeks of that and soon it will be time to see how they liked that!
The milestone has set me into philosophical mode though. Not in a morbid way but for me a fascinating way. I have mentioned before that this battle gives me a really interesting take on being judgemental. For example, I will read something on Facebook such as ” Oh Wo I have had the day from Hell, my spots are awful, I feel so deflated” and instantly I will react in my mind. That isn’t a real example, I don’t wish to get personal but you get the idea. My first reaction is “Get a grip, worry when you are in my shoes!” However, I instantly relent, the world does not revolve around me. My little world perhaps, but the bigger world no. So I slacken off and smile at their troubles and while I know they might not be major in the bigger scheme of things they are real to them, so they have every right to be troubled by them.
Recently on a forum I use, a young man got very touchly as he sensed a personal attack had been launched on him about his young thrusting ambition and the products he aspired to. No attack had been made, it was purely the insecurity of youth and again my first reaction was to dismiss him as a very silly and immature young man. However, I then thought about how seriously I took myself at 25 and forgave him instantly! It has taken me a long time to learn to laugh at myself and in truth in my case it probably needed the help of the two wives I have had to get me there! Without such help people can be middle aged and still not be able to laugh at themselves and again the last two hundred days have meant that I don’t make a judgement there either.
I am still a long way from being a tolerant kind of a guy, patience for one thing is certainly not innate in my make up but without doubt I am now more tolerant than ever in my life. I think in essence, what I am learning is that just because I am fighting a big thing it does not mean the little things do not matter any more. They do matter, they matter to me and they matter to others and people rightly should be allowed to be hung up on the little things as they travel through life. Manchester United losing to Wolves was no little matter in my mind trust me!
Perhaps that is at the root of this meander into “Does fighting cancer trivialise everything else?” Man United threw away three points and it bothers me!
In conclusion, clearly fighting cancer does not trivialise everyhting else, the small things still matter, so time now for me to find a few small things to bother about! Now where is my dinner?
PS. No trip down Memory Lane just for tonight, I’m a bit hung up on where my dinner is!